Norah Finds Her Groove

Part XI of The Battys.

I keep getting these messages asking to see my paintings.  Well the truth is, I haven't had a chance to work in the studio because it got taken over by the Battys.

It all started when Norah, after seeing me painting, decided that she too would have a go.  She got out her paper, paints and textbook and off she started.

And He Had The Cheek To Talk About My Dubious Dress Sense!

One of the truly wonderful things about having your own blog when you are married, is that you win every argument, simply by screaming 'I'll post that on my blog', every time he really annoys you.  Actually, I post things about Alan just because I can!

Some postings back, Alan wrote a comment about a hat I was wearing, calling me something like a '1980s fashion victim who looked like she had just stepped off the stage at the London Palladium'!  Okay, even for my legendary good humour, that was pushing it just a tad too far.  It was then exacerbated by my cousin telling my uncle that I had dubious taste in clothing because of the yellow outfit I wore in the Deliverance video.  My uncle only added to the insults by telling his son for some reason that the outfit was my pyjamas!

So here and now, and with this picture I scotch several myths floating around at the moment.

• He calls ME a fashion victim?  Even in Benin that outfit stood out!  Come on, I ask you?  Which is worse, me in the hat or Alan in his Benin outfit?  No I DIDN'T say funniest.
• This outfit does not belong to me as evidenced by the photo of Alan wearing it in the tailor's market shop.
• I don't wear pyjamas, but if I did, would I be likely to wear a pair that would actually glow in the dark?  No, this is Alan's outfit and it is NOT pyjamas.

Yes I know exactly what you want to know.  Has he ever worn them outside the house?  Actually he wears it most days to work, along with a Mobutu style leopardskin hat.  As I said, my blog and I can say what I like, it doesn't have to be the truth you know!

Raybould's Reviews

For those of you who have never seen this, and who have never quite grasped my musical talents, enjoy!

Click here to watch it on YouTube where the quality is better!

Getting One Over On Alan

Ladies, what do you do when your husband comes home on a Saturday night, having imbibed one drink too many?

 Well, you could leave him to sleep it off on the sofa...

The Elevator Bar on 5

Part X of The Battys

Never let it be said that Alan passes up an opportunity to make some money.  During the flood crisis in Bangkok, Alan saw a niche opening up, when the communal bar from our condo was brought upstairs away from the possible flood danger, and surprise surprise, ended up outside our door, next to the elevators.  Knowing that expats would keep on drinking to the bitter end, he saw it as a way for them to keep their feet dry at the same time.  He therefore opened a bar in the hall outside of our apartment, called The Elevator Bar on 5.

The Elevator Bar on 5 opened yesterday.  To celebrate the grand opening. Alan had his hair coloured and permed for the occasion.  He said David Beckham used him as his style guru, and he was pretty sure this look would catch on with David.

John Falls For Norah's Dubious Charms

Part IX of The Battys

We have had some more trouble with Norah over the last week.  As you know, our friends came to stay with us, and almost immediately, it became clear that John and Norah liked each other.  Now under normal circumstances that would have been okay, but John is a married man.

You can see that Norah made the first move.  Just look at the shameless way she got all cosy with John.  Mind you, dressed like that, it is no wonder that he fell for her dubious charms.

Is That Even Legal?!

Yesterday I went for my annual check up at BNH hospital.  For those of you who do not know Thailand, it is a modern, smart hospital, used by ex-pats and Thais with some money.  They are forever promoting something or the other when I visit, and yesterday, having time on my hands, I for once actually read the posters.  Maybe I should do so more often.

You really need to read it.

 6 YEARS OLD!!!  IS SHE NUTS??!  
Surely no sane woman has a 6 year old kid chomping on her nipples.  At what age does it go onto solids?  Does he go onto formula first?  What happens in public?  Has this woman NEVER seen the Little Britain sketch of a grown man in his 30s being breast fed by his mother in public?  Come on!

But wait, it gets worse - read the small print.

SHE BREAST FED A PATIENT'S BABY!!!
Really, am I the only person creeped out by this?  What is she, wet nurse and doctor, all rolled into one? Could she not have expressed the milk?  Did she feed that baby until aged 6 too?  I think all that sucking has sucked the use of the English language right out of her along with her brains!

This is not the sort of person I want in my circle of friends.  Can you imagine going out to lunch?  She'll be grabbing passing babies and shoving them on her left boob, whilst the right is firmly stuck into her 6 year old's mouth.  YUK YUK YUK!!!  This all just sounds a bit - well you know- OFF.

For those of you who have never seen Little Britain click here and you'll know exactly what I am talking about - don't worry, it isn't porn!